His Own Words
by Caeruleaneyes30
Summary: Never in a million years did he think that something he said nearly three years ago would come back to haunt him by none other than "that guy". The thing was, "that guy" was right.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everyone. This is a one shot, based on the promo's for S3 Episode 11. I'm not completely satisfied with it, but I don't want to spend more time on this story. I really want to get back to writing my other RB story. I am still holding out for a McSwarek reconciliation.**

**Disclaimer: The author of this fan fiction does not, in any way, profit from this story and all creative rights to the characters belong to their original creators.**

He stood in front of the door staring straight ahead. The same door he had passed through dozens of times, over the last few months, without a second thought. Yet, here, right now, he stood, just simply staring. Unable to bring himself to knock on the all too familiar piece of board.

Diaz's words, in the locker room, had made him think. He had managed to eventually brush those thoughts aside and make his way to "The Penny". A well aged scotch is what he needed. Its numbing effects, on his soul, would be more than welcoming. He knew she wouldn't be there. He had overheard her, as she left the station, telling Nash she was meeting her mother for dinner.

Then Callaghan had to make his way over, from across the room, and park his butt down on the bar stool next to him. God, that guy could get under your skin. Diaz's wisdom had been rather easy to brush away, after all he was a kid, what did he know, but Callaghan. That was a different story. The guy had thrown his own words, from nearly three years ago, back at him. He could remember it like yesterday. It had happened right after returning from that prisoner transfer gig to Sudbury. He had gone to Luke Callaghan's office and told him he was an "idiot". That's right, an "idiot". An "idiot" for not trusting in her and for nearly breaking up with her for no real reason. Well, technically she had not done anything to really constitute cheating. A bit of kissing, big deal. Then Callaghan, on top of having called him an "idiot", had the nerve to tell him to get his act together before it was too late and he lost her forever. Told him he knew from experience. "She's the best thing you will ever meet. Don't blow it." Maybe he hadn't really thought things through properly.

So for the last 20 minutes he had stood in front of this all too familiar door. Unable to leave from where he stood, but yet unable to move forward. What would he even say when the door opened. He didn't even know where to begin. The image, in his mind, of her standing in the rain, crying as he drove away trying to distance himself from her as fast as possible nearly broke him. The look on her beautiful face, earlier today, when he had asked her to return his keys. The anger he had tried to cope with silently, but instead had expelled it by lashing out at her, at every turn, for no reason. He had been rude and indignant to her. The images were breaking him inside. She had wanted to talk, but instead he had climbed into his truck and driven away or lashed out at her.

Thirty minutes and still he stood. Finally a revelation hit him. He should have realized it as soon as he arrived at her door. The only thing he really could say to her. It was the only thing he had to offer, the truth. Slowly he raised his arm, bunched his fist and softly rapped on the door.

Silently he waited. A minute passed, and then another. Finally he rapped again, slightly louder.

He heard foot steps and the lock being turned.

There she stood, pyjama clad, eyes swollen, tears running down her cheeks and a teddy bear under her arm.

He could see the surprise on her face when the realization struck her as to who was at her door. She was struggling with what to do next. It was obvious. Try and talk, shut the door or just stand there.

His heart melted. He was an "idiot".

"I love you." He whispered as he took a step forward.

"I love you Andy McNally."

Slowly he closed the gap between them, wrapped his arms around her and drew her close into a hug.

"I am so very sorry. Please, let me talk." He whispered into her ear.

She nodded as she wrapped her arms around his neck before burying her head in his shoulder and sobbing.

_"Now I'm indebted to Luke Callaghan of all people. I am an "idiot"."_

**Let me know what you think.**_  
_


	2. Chapter 2

**A big "Thank-you" to everyone who read, reviewed, and marked my story as following and/or favorite. I was absolutely overwhelmed by the response. As a result I have decided to add a second chapter to what I originally thought would be a one shot. Hope you enjoy this chapter as much as chapter one.**

She had tried to talk to him several times over the last few days. He had just been so distant since the death. She could hardly get a word out of him. Half the time he wouldn't even make eye contact. Her head told her he was simply dealing with Jerry's death in his own way. Her gut told her there was more to his behaviour. She had chosen to listen to her head. She should have listened to her gut. Maybe then she would not have been so "blind sided".

She had been able to reason him distancing himself from her, from everyone really. It was his behaviour after the funeral she could not comprehend completely. Sure he was still distant, but now there was anger involved. The difference was where the distance had been directed at everyone, the anger was directed only towards her. He told her they were not "one person" and that he was tired of listening to some "stupid rookie" and her ideas instead of his own gut. He accused her of getting people hurt. In shock she questioned him, but he would not elaborate, he just simply stomped off in anger, leaving her behind with Collins.

That evening he told her they were over. He couldn't be a cop, and be with her too. No discussion other than he was listening to his gut and besides they always had been a long shot. He had jumped into his truck, and driven away, leaving her standing in the rain, alone and crying. The next day he had yelled at her at a crime scene. Later in the day he asked her to return the spare keys for his truck. He was completely cutting her out of his life. He couldn't look at her, he didn't want to talk or listen to her, when he was forced to talk to her he was angry. He wanted every piece of property she had, of his, returned. At the end of the day she had felt frightened when she saw him, in the hallway, at the station.

She had felt unwell, on and off, for the last two weeks. With everything happening she hadn't really paid that much attention to her health. She thought she was just fighting off a "bug". Then she decided it was the stress surrounding the funeral, from dealing with Traci and Gail and trying to handle Sam. Yesterday morning though she decided that maybe she should phone her doctor for an appointment. The receptionist said she couldn't schedule her in until early next week. If she wanted to she could come to the walk-in clinic section of the practice. Her doctor's rotation through the clinic had come up. He would be manning the centre for the next two days. She arrived at the clinic the next morning at 6:45. When the doors opened at 7:00 she was the first one registered. Her doctor gave her a "mini" check-up and ordered some lab work. He told her that if she could go to the lab now, a couple of the tests would be ready by 4:00 this afternoon. All she would have to do is phone and speak to his nurse. Somehow she still had managed to make it to parade on time.

She called at 4:30. It had been the first opportunity she had to make the call and speak privately. The nurse had given her the news. An appointment was scheduled for early next week for her to discuss her options and decide on a treatment plan.

Somehow she had managed to make it to the restaurant and meet her mother for dinner. She thought of cancelling, but in the end she didn't. Maybe the distraction would be welcoming. She ordered soup and a sandwich even though she had no appetite. She was only going to order coffee, but the nurses words were ringing in her head.

"It is important to eat properly and keep up your strength."

She told Clair about Sam and the break up. This was, by far, the worst break up she had ever experienced, but the first break up her mother was there to help her through. Ironic in a way. She wasn't able to bring herself to let her mother know of her doctor's visit. Later perhaps she would tell her, not now.

She was exhausted. She had barely slept the last two nights. Her entire chest ached from the broken heart she was nursing. The emotional pain was almost unbearable. She had taken a shower, when she arrived home from the restaurant and eventually changed into a pair of pyjamas. The tank top and long bottom style that she liked. The bottoms were too long, so she had rolled them up to just below her knees. After the shower she had brought out her one and only "real" friend from his special hiding place. "Rattle Bear" had been the one constant in her life that had never disappointed her or left her. He had been there when her mother left, when her father had turned to the bottle, for every bad decision she had made through high school, when Luke cheated on her and now he was there for her to move on from Sam and to help her make it through the next few months of treatment.

She had named "Rattle Bear", all those years ago, for the bell inside his tummy that rattled when you shook him. She was curled up on her sofa, speaking softly to her bear when she thought she heard someone at her door. She got up and went to see who was there. For some reason she thought it may have been her mother. Clair had truly seemed worried about her when they had said good-bye at the restaurant. It wasn't Clair.

It was Sam. It took her a minute to register that it was him. When it suddenly hit her mind began to swirl. She couldn't deal with him raising his voice at her one more time today.

The first time he said it, she could barely hear him. She thought she hadn't heard him correctly.

The second time she knew she heard him actually say "I love you".

A moment later she was in his arms, sobbing into his shoulder.

Maybe she would not have to do this pregnancy alone. Maybe her child would have a father and maybe, just maybe, they would have a father that did not hate their mother.

"I love you too." She choked.

**Love to know what you think.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay dear readers. You have managed to convince me to add one more chapter to this story. This is the final chapter. I want to get back to writing my other Rookie Blue story and complete the last couple of chapters. Hope you all enjoy this additional chapter.**

He closed his eyes and gently rubbed his hand up and down her trembling, sobbing body.

_"God, how could he have done this to Andy? It was Andy. He was such an "idiot"."_

He whispered in her ear a few more times "I'm sorry. Please calm down." and kissed her temple.

When her sobs eventually subsided he took her by the hand and guided them over to her sofa to sit. He plucked a couple of tissues from the Kleenex box, on her coffee table, and handed them to her.

"I um...I don't know how or um...where to...start." He uttered just a bit above a whisper as he faced her.

"Why don't you start at the beginning?" She said softly.

"The beginning...yea...I guess it...I...um...I guess it was...I think it started before Sarah was attacked. My um...dad was never around he went to jail when I was a baby. Sarah remembered some things about him, but um...I...not me. I met him, for the first time when I was six."

"That story you told me about J.D. and the pistachio ice-cream. It was true, wasn't it? You didn't make it up."

"It was true. When I was there he told me I was the man of the house and that I had to look after my mom and sister. When...um...Sarah was attacked. I hadn't done what he...what...he had told me to do. I didn't look after my sister."

"Sam, you were nine-years-old. What happened to her...how could you have prevented her from being attacked? She was walking home. It was, most likely, an act of opportunity. Sarah was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It easily could have been someone else."

"I don't know. She was out that night...mom had asked her to go to the store and pick us up some milk for the morning. It was a bit later, but not...it wasn't that late. I...I...should have gone with her. I was supposed to look after her." He said with a quivering voice.

He was sitting forward with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. Andy moved closer, sat forward and took both of his hands in hers and moved them down between their laps. He looked at her a moment and then started to speak again.

"I tried to protect her afterwards when the kids at school bullied her about what happened. I became a cop because of Sarah. Over the years she did better. We both did actually. Then...um...one day...I...I was married."

"You were married?"

"Yea, I...um...met her...I went to university for a year before I was accepted to the police academy. I met her on campus. I was taking pre law courses. She was good with math. She was enrolled in accounting. We got married not long after I graduated from the academy. It was...it was six months later...she had a summer job, in the accounting department of an IT company downtown. One afternoon...her boss sent her to the bank to make some deposits. There was...there was...a...robbery. It went really bad. By the time everything was over...six hostages were injured...three were dead...and two of the three robbers were down. Jessica was...she...she died on the operating table a few hours later. I didn't even get a chance to...a chance...to say "good-bye" to her."

A small tear began to trickle down his cheek. Andy kept one hand entwined with Sam's and with the other she took a tissue and wiped away his tear.

"I...didn't take care...didn't protect her that day. I was a cop...and I couldn't even...even protect my own wife."

"Shhh...you could not have known what was going to happen that day. You can't blame yourself for what happened."

"I was going to quit...but...um...Jerry...Ollie...they convinced me to... to give it some time before I handed in my resignation. Jerry and I...we um...we made a pack to always have each others back. When...his marriage...went south...I tried to be there for him...the way he was there for me when...when I lost Jessica."

"By the time...the time I met you...I was in a good place. Jessica...she had been gone...for 17 years by then and um...both...um Sarah and Jerry were doing well."

"I was impressed with your style of policing after our first day working together. I think...I think I was starting to fall for you then. I just didn't know it then." Andy said softly.

"Things were good...until...until...Brennan took me down. The whole...the whole time...I was terrified...that he...that he...had harmed you...that you were already...dead. Then...he...um...he...water boarded...I still have nightmares over the water boarding."

"Brennan...he never laid a hand on me. Sam, you've never told me what happened when Brennan and you were alone in the farmhouse. I know he beat you, I mean I saw the wounds. I didn't know that torture was involved as well."

"I didn't want to scare you. I put it in my witness statement report."

"After...after...that ordeal I...I haven't...I haven't been the same person. I really needed you Andy...they kept us apart, but I think I would have been better...if I could have seen you...when you came back...I worried about you...on the job. I...think...I can't lose you...and I think I'm overprotective. I was...I was doing better with it, but...um...when Jerry...when he died...I should have had his back. We promised each other to always have each others back and I...I wasn't...I wasn't there. I didn't have his back. I failed him and...he died. I failed Sarah, I failed Jessica and I failed Jerry."

Andy wrapped her arms around him as he buried his face in her shoulder and wept. Now it was her turn to rub her hand up and down his back and whisper in his ear "Shhh, you didn't fail them."

"When I said...that I couldn't be a cop...and be with you too, I meant...I thought...the way I feel about you...about you right now...I love you...and I know that I can't always have your back...and I thought that if I...I ended things...then I somehow would be protecting both of us. I have failed everyone I was supposed to protect. If I'm not with you and am not responsible for you then nothing will happen to you and you will be safe. I won't have to deal with the pain of your death or the pain of knowing that I failed someone else"

"Sam...you're not responsible..."

"Andy...I was wrong...I love you...and I don't want you not in my life. I need you in my life. I'm just so scared."

"I know you are Sam." She whispered.

"I...um...I think...I need some help."

"Tomorrow...tomorrow we call and make you an appointment with the department psychiatrist."

Sam nodded.

"Sam, I will be there every step of the way. We will get through this together. I'll take desk duty. You won't have to worry about me on the street."

"It's not what you really signed up for when you applied to be a cop."

"No, but I am willing to do it for us."

_"I'm willing to do it for all of us. I can't tell him about the baby right now. I will, just not right now."_

Andy woke the next morning to the sun shining through her bedroom drapes. She had slept, for the first time in days, for more than a few minutes at a time. Andy felt like a huge emotional weight had been lifted off of her chest. Sam wanted to try and make their relationship work. He didn't know about the baby yet, but...that's when the nausea hit and she had to run to the bathroom. She emerged, a few minutes later, and softly tip toed into the living room. Sam was still asleep on the couch. They had fallen asleep together but, some time in the middle of the night, she had woken, slipped off the sofa and climbed into her bed. It had felt too crowded on the sofa with the two of them trying to sleep. Gently she brushed her fingertips across Sam's cheek before heading into the kitchen to make coffee. Coffee smells did not seem to bother her stomach.

Sam woke an hour later. Andy was sitting curled up on the lounge chair watching him as he began to stir.

"How long have you been sitting there McNally."

"Not too long."

"What time is it?"

"It's eight thirty." Andy replied as she handed Sam a coffee.

"Why didn't you wake me? We're late for work."

"No we're not. I phoned Frank and told him we were both taking a personal day. I told him we would come in and meet with him at two this afternoon. Sam, we need this time off today."

Sam rubbed his face with his hands and looked over at Andy.

"Yea, we do. I...I need to phone the department shrink and make an appointment."

Andy nodded. "I meant what I said last night. I'll be with you every step of the way."

A moment later she sat down beside him.

Sam started therapy a couple of days later. The therapist placed Sam on desk duty for a month. It wasn't that bad. Andy had requested to be placed on desk duty as well. It meant that they could work together most days. She actually told Frank about the pregnancy before she told Sam.

If truth be told, Sam wasn't that surprised when she told him two weeks later about the baby. He had become a bit suspicious. She seemed to be running to the washroom every morning as soon as she woke up and she took way too many bathroom breaks throughout the day. The last couple of times they had gone to "The Penny" she had ordered pop to drink.

Sam continued with his therapy. There were sessions where Andy was asked to attend, sometimes a friend was asked to attend, but the majority Sam attended alone. There were times he came back happy, other times he came back quiet, sometimes he came back with his eyes moist and yet others he came back angry. Andy never asked him about his sessions. He sometimes discussed them with her, other times he didn't. What she did know was that Sam continued to meet with the therapist and over time he became more relaxed and happier. Life moved forward. It moved slowly, but it moved forward. They were heading to a good place together.

There friends were supportive. One in particular was always there. It didn't matter if it was day or night. They made sure Andy got home safely, if Sam had to work late. They made sure Andy had lunch, if Sam could not make it back to the station to bring her something and they would take her to her doctor appointments if Sam wasn't available. They became Sam's confident and in a way a "sponsor". They would attend a therapy session with Sam, if their presence was required. Sam and Andy were indebted to them.

Fourteen Months Later.

The Old Mill, Toronto, Ontario

It was the perfect late fall day. The sun shone brightly, the air had a hint of crispness in it and the multi-coloured trees rustled in the gentle breeze that was blowing.

Sam stood at the front of the small chapel. He had never been so happy and yet so nervous at the same time. He looked at his best man with a terrified expression.

"You're going to be fine. You are about to marry a princess. Just pretend it is just another day like every other day." He said smiling.

"Oke doke, just an ordinary day."

"You have the rings?"

"For the hundredth time, yes! They are in my pocket. The ring bearer has the fake rings. No need to worry,"

"No need to worry." Sam sighed nervously.

"You have no more time to worry Sam. The bridal party looks ready. You'll be fine. I have your back."

"Thanks."

The music started as Leo Nash, the ring bearer, and Lydia Best, the flower girl, walked hand in hand down the aisle towards the front of the church.

Traci followed a minute later carrying six month old flower girl, Clair Andrea Swarek. At the front of the church Traci handed baby Clair to her namesake and grandmother, who sat in the front pew smiling. Clair McNally delightfully took her grand-daughter and handed Traci her bouquet of flowers. A minute later Tommy McNally escorted his daughter down the aisle and gave her hand in marriage to Sam Swarek.

It was a lovely ceremony witnessed by thirty of their family members and close friends.

The reception was held in one of the dining rooms of the Old Mill. Dinner was elegant, toasts were made to the happy couple with both wine and non-alcoholic wine, and smiles were everywhere. Speeches were made to the happy couple by Tommy, Clair, Sarah and the Best Man. Sam was the only one left. He rose from his seat and approached the podium. He thanked everyone for attending and celebrating today with Andy and himself. To much laughter, he related the story of how Andy and him met, and how that day, he never would have imagined the two of them eventually standing where they are today. He spoke of the joy of being a father and toasted his daughter. He thanked his family and friends for their support and understanding over the last few months. Then he mentioned Jerry.

"To my friend and colleague, who is not...here..." Sam could not go any further.

A moment later, his Best Man was at his side. He placed his hand on Sam's back and continued to read Sam's speech.

"To my friend and colleague, who is not here today in person, but I know is here in spirit. Jerry had an expression he used to say to his friends before he took a drink. It was, "To the good times.". Well, this is one of those good times Jerry. Would everyone please raise a glass to Jerry and the good times?"

"I miss you Jerry."

Everyone raised a glass and toasted Jerry.

Sam composed himself and continued with his speech as the Best Man stood at the podium beside him.

"To my Best Man, Luke Callaghan. I would like to thank-you for your words of wisdom fourteen months ago, your continual support, and for your friendship and understanding I don't believe Andy and I, would be here today, if you had not kicked my butt all those months past. Thank-you Buddy."

Sam and Luke embraced.

A couple of hours later as Luke glided Andy around the dance floor she asked him what he had said to Sam that fateful evening that had made Sam come over to try and reconcile.

"Oh, nothing really, I just told him what an "idiot" he was for pushing the best thing to ever happen to him out the door." Luke answered smiling.

"You called Sam and "idiot" and lived to tell the story?"

"I did call him one, and not only lived to tell the story, but was eventually asked to be his Best Man at the wedding."

Andy smiled.

"You know I love you sweetheart?"

"I know you do Luke. Thank-you...for everything these last few months."

Luke twirled Andy around and brought her back into his dance embrace.

"I would do anything for you sweetheart. He's a good guy. He did have baggage, but I think he's worked through most of it over the last few months."

"He has come a long way."

"How could he not with you standing behind him every step of the way."

Andy smiled at Luke.

"He makes you happy. I see the way you "light up" whenever he is near you sweetheart. I want you to be happy,"

"I am happy."

Luke smiled as he twirled Andy around one more time before giving her a kiss on the forehead and handing her over to her new husband.

**Let me know what you think. Thank you for reading.**


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